When it comes to real relationships, confrontation is inevitable. This is difficult, but if students at Taylor learn to express themselves and love others while having difficult and honest conversations, they can thrive in community the way God intended.
Students probably don’t have roommates growing mold colonies on their windowsills or smearing salami on their desk after forgetting about a half-made sandwich. However, they may still encounter situations forcing them to clarify boundaries or solidify expectations.
Confrontation sounds intimidating; too often, it carries the stigma of shouting and arguments, Professor Julie Borkin, who teaches a conflict resolution class at Taylor, said.
“It already feels kind of loaded with negativity and emotion,” she said. “It can be so divisive, and we’re called to unity as Christians.”
Borkin said confrontation can be gentle and natural.
She sees confrontation as an important skill to learn, since conflict is inevitable. Taylor is a great place to navigate conflict resolution alongside a support system of Christian Personnel Assistants (PAs), Discipleship Assistants (DAs), counselors and staff, she said.
Donna Downs, associate professor of communication at Taylor University, stressed the importance of active listening, maintaining a respectful tone, showing empathy and responding slowly when confronting others.
After college, poor confrontation skills can carry into higher-stake environments, harming future jobs and relationships, Borkin added.
When confronting others, Borkin recommended being willing to invest in relationships through honesty, persistence and patience through difficulty. She said confrontation isn’t a quick fix. However, it cultivates real, healing and deep relationships, and it’s something Christians should be willing to invest in.
She said conflict resolution isn’t an attempt to win an argument.
“Our personal relationship with Jesus Christ has to be at the center of the conflict,” she said. “It's working from the overflow of what God is doing in us, and that we're truly wanting his will.”
For Christians, the fundamental goal of confrontation switches from winning to loving the other person, Borkin said.
She also stressed the importance of recognizing personal emotions, instead of stifling them and growing bitter. However, if conversation becomes too emotional, she suggested students finish talking when they feel they can express themselves calmly.
“(Confrontation is) a time…to take a step back and not let time or urgency drive the train,” she said. “So when that person's alarm goes off six times and you were hoping to sleep in, that might not be the most productive time to have a conversation.”
Jeff Groeling, department chair and professor of communication, said to avoid ending confrontational conversations on salty terms, students should seek to satisfy both members of the disagreement by the end of the discussion, though this isn’t always possible.
“It's more important for us to lead with our faith than any type of communication skill,” he said. “So, when it comes to confrontation, you should lead with love.”
Groeling said Christians should be able to resolve conflicts with one another, given their commonality as brothers and sisters in Christ.
Downs agreed that confrontation is critical for Christians.
“Knowing how to have civil discourse in a confrontational situation is key for all Christians as we seek to live out God’s will for us to express the fruit of the Spirit in our everyday lives,” she said.
Downs said failing to confront others can result in students saying things they regret.
Practically, students seeking healthy relationships should engage in emotional self-awareness, which may include learning the internal motivation behind their actions and reactions.
“The more self-aware we are, the more we can learn to deal with confrontation and conflict in our relationships,” she said. “If we can learn our own emotional cues ... we can better learn how to respond and react in difficult situations.”
We at The Echo believe challenges in relationships are unavoidable. We encourage students struggling toward friends and roommates to pray for and lovingly confront one another, rather than burying their frustration.
Confrontation can feel terrifying, but we serve a God who promises to sustain us through struggles. No matter the result of difficult conversations, our identities are secure in Christ.
Equipped with confrontation skills, Taylor students can confidently explain to their roommate why the salami they leave on the desk is making the room smell like rotten meat. They can practice loving confrontation.
