The Twilight Saga. Watching all the way through is not for the faint of heart. With five movies in total, each one lasting about two hours each, one can get discouraged when seeing how much is still left to conquer.
Stephanie Meyer, the author of the original ‘Twilight’ series, released the first novel in October of 2005, making way for the first ‘Twilight’ movie to be released three years later in November.
Coming up on the anniversary of the first movie, I knew I finally had to give it a watch. (That, and the fact that I have nothing else to do in the confines of quarantine.)
The movie begins and, instantly, I am confused as to whether this movie is supposed to be a teen romance or a comedy.
“I’ve never given much thought to how I would die. But dying in the place of someone I love, seems like a good way to go,” Bella Swan commentates dramatically over a scene of a deer running for its life.
And then, in an instant, we’ve moved on from this existential thought and onto Bella holding a cactus, because she is moving away from her mom’s house in Arizona to live with her dad in the small town of Forks, Washington.
This first and second movies pass in a blur. Bella is the new girl in town. Bella meets Edward. Bella likes Edward. They fall in love.
But wait!
Edward leaves Bella. Jacob, Bella’s cool mechanic neighbor, likes Bella. Bella is conflicted. She chooses Edward anyways. Edward comes back. Bella continues to lead on Jacob for the plot.
But wait!
Edward proposes? Bella says yes. They’ve known each other how long? He’s 104 years-old? She’s only 18?
Edward and Bella are like that high school couple who only hung out with each other, had no other friends, and posted anniversary posts on Instagram for every month they lasted together. We all know the couple.
All of this is well and good considering it happened over the course of three movies. It’s the fourth movie that truly packs a punch.
It opens on the wedding of Bella and Edward. Edward is smiling like an idiot and Bella is… well… making a face to say the least.
I feel like it’s here that I should mention that Kristen Stewart, the actress who plays Bella, is only capable of making one face throughout all of the ‘Twilight’ movies. It’s a mix of scared, confused, and infatuated.
It’s a perfect face to describe exactly what someone should feel about the ‘Twilight’ movies.
But we must move on. There is still a lot to cover.
Immediately following the wedding, Edward and Bella go on their honeymoon. The next scene Bella is throwing up from morning sickness.
Are you getting motion sickness from the total rollercoaster that is this movie? Just me?
Anyways, Bella is growing a demon child inside of her and Edward’s vampire family feeds her blood to keep the child alive.
Suddenly, Bella’s entire back cracks in a 90 degree angle. Her kneecaps shatter. The child is cracking all her bones from the inside.
Still tracking with me?
The baby is born. She names it Renesmee. Bella dies. Jacob becomes infatuated with Renesmee. Edward turns Bella into a vampire. Bella comes back to life.
The credits roll. The fever dream is over. My life is changed, and I’m left searching for any deeper meaning in what I just watched.
Love is worth the risk? A love triangle is okay if you have a child to give to the odd man out? Werewolves are cooler than vampires?
If anyone has any ideas let me know.
How was the fifth movie, you ask? I fell asleep.
