By Gracie Fairfax | Echo
Trembling fingers. Sweating foreheads. It's that time of year for a lot of you kiddos. Whether you're a freshman, sophomore or junior, you may need registration rehab. For those seniors around here, you're trying to get into the real world, which is even worse than registration. But we'll keep that secret between you and me. We don't want to scare the kids.
Are you dealing with post-registration stress? Are you stressed because your schedule is still as insecure as a middle-schooler? Have no fear. Grandma Gracie is here. Try the following methods to wipe those tears and tackle those fears.
Method 1: Make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich
I know this may sound rather juvenile, but how better to de-stress than to remember the simpler days when homework was a worksheet of addition tables or practicing writing the letter "b"? Reminisce on a time when everyone took the same classes and you had never heard of a Registration Access Code (RAC) sheet.
Method 2: Ask to borrow the wait-listed professor's dog
Go up to the professor and first ask if you can get an override into their class. If not, ask them for their dog. They might be hesitant at first, but when they see how distraught you are, they may be sympathetic and be willing to lend you their furry friend. At this point, you and the professor have a personal connection, and you've shown your soft side. Maybe they'll personally purchase an extra desk for the room, in which case you should buy a bed for their dog to use when you cuddle in class together.
Method 3: Revert to the airplane emergency brace position
If you've ever been on an airplane before, you are probably familiar with the emergency brace position illustrated on the card in the pocket in front of you. I know it makes me feel a lot more secure about the idea of my plane falling out of the sky. Lean forward with your head down and hug your knees. If there happens to be a seat in front of you, such as when your chauffeur is driving you around Upland, brace your head on the back of that seat. This is scientifically proven to be a great position to take when an emergency is in progress.
Method 4: Have a pancake party
While you may be afraid of round objects, because of the 0 classes you were able to get into, making pancakes is a therapeutic way to embrace round shapes again. Make sure you have toppings to further embellish the round pancake. Ask your friends, "Does anyone want another 'I got into 0 classes metaphor?'" You are sure to get a roomful of "I's."
Method 5: Have chocolate fondue
Using a variety of fruits, marshmallows and pretzels to act as placeholders for the intangible classes you didn't get into, symbolically dip the items in chocolate as a way of drowning your dreams. As long as drowning dreams taste like chocolate, I'll celebrate my misfortune any day. Label the vat of chocolate as "black hole of dreams" and give the fruits, pretzels and marshmallows the names of the courses that betrayed you.
Method 6: Convince your friends that they should drop the courses you couldn't get into
Tell them, "I heard the professor makes you sculpt all the ideas discussed in class out of clay." For example, if Professor Diller did this, he would make all of the students sculpt their philosophical and theological viewpoints out of clay. I'd like to see you try making something out of hard determinism. Other ideas include telling your friends that the professor makes students come to mandatory Saturday sessions. However, lying and spreading rumors is wrong, so you'll have to decide if you'd rather have good moral standing or be in the classes you want.
Method 7: Have Jeff Wallace handcuff you to a desk
If you physically cannot leave the classroom, the professor will have to give you an override. While the professor may be hesitant at first, tell them your position in their classroom is not changing until Jeff Wallace comes, and he will only come if you are guaranteed admittance into the class.
If all else fails, you can always drop out of school, transfer to IWU or work at Starbucks. I'm sure your mom would also be overjoyed if you called her and said you're coming home. I know. I'm a grandma.
