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Survival Guide

Combating the Taylor Ice Age

By Alyssa Roat | Contributor

It’s after Valentine’s Day, and people are falling all over the place — and not just in love. February weather in Upland is as fickle as a middle-school crush. Snow quickly turns to sun, to rain, to the worst of all: ice. How is a Taylor student to survive the elements? Below, the Taylor Survival Guide will provide you with the tips and tricks to keep you on your feet when the ice just wants a big hug.


Every student has faced the situation: it’s early morning and the ground shimmers under the light of the rising sun. Welcome to the Great Taylor Ice Rink. You have five minutes to get to class. What are you going to do?


Option One: Operation Butter Skates. Grab some butter knives (NOT from the Hodson Dining Commons –– we eat with those) and duct tape them to your feet. You now have your very own ice skates. Skate away to class in record time.


Option Two: If Operation Butter Skates fails due to butter knives and duct tape not being comparable to real skates, it’s time for Operation Backpack Boogie Board. Strap your backpack to your chest and take a penguin slide! This is the most enjoyable option.


Option Three: If you care about silly things like wet books and ripped backpacks, try Operation Booty Scooty. Bottom on the ground, legs in the air and use your hands to propel you forward.


Option Four: If cold bottoms aren’t your cup of tea, try Operation Ice Siege. Hide inside with your supplies and weather the siege of the foul Ice People.


Option Five: If you feel the need to worry over things like classes and grades, Option Four may not be your best choice. At this point, you may want to find a friend with a car and undertake Operation Vehicular Victory. Gun the engine and go as quickly as possible to quickly escape the ice.


Option Six: If you don’t have friends, it’s time for Operation Secret Hitchhiker. Grab the back of someone else’s vehicle, bend your knee and go for a ride!


Option Seven: If there are no vehicles, proceed to Operation Slithery Koala. Slither up behind someone going to class, sneakily latch on to their leg and take a ride.


Congratulations! You now have seven ways to avoid falling on the ice. It’s time to focus on making your crush fall for you instead of you falling in front of your crush.
Note: The Echo and Taylor Survival Guide take no responsibility for injuries caused due to lack of understanding of the use of sarcasm.

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