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Survival Guide

How to get a ring by spring...when it's already spring

Alyssa helps Taylor students secure that ring by spring.

Alyssa helps Taylor students secure that ring by spring.

By Alyssa Roat | Staff Writer

Sure, there’s still snow on the ground, but do you know what time it is? Spring semester. And you don’t have a ring.

Everyone knows that if you aren’t engaged by Spring semester, you aren’t a true Taylor student, and you need to up your intentional community game. But don’t worry! The Taylor Survival Guide can help you get that ring before finals week. Here’s how.

For the ladies:

  1.     Give your significant other LOTS of hints.

Rub your ring finger. Wear lots of rings, then look at them and sigh. Casually mention your ring size. Tell him how much better you think Saturn looks with rings. Ask him to play ring around the rosy. Play “Shine Bright Like a Diamond” on repeat. “Accidentally” get lost and bring him to the jeweler’s instead of Wendy’s.

  1.     If you have no significant other, go on a pick-a-date.

Pick-a-dates always lead to marriage.

  1.     If you can’t get a man on a pick-a-date, be creative.

Visit the brother floor during open house hours. Give a meaningful Christian side hug. Invite a young fellow to Bible study, or even to go get coffee so you can discuss the chapel speaker.

  1.     If all else fails, be bold.

Remember the phrase, “I’ve been praying about our relationship.” Use your best future-pastor’s-wife phrases like, “I can’t wait to raise my future children up as true disciples,” or “I just want to support my husband in whatever God calls him to do.” Sign yourself and a male up for couples’ counseling.

For the gentlemen:

  1.     Just give her the ring.

You’ve only been dating two weeks. But that’s okay! This is Taylor. God meant for you to be together. You’ve probably been giving each other awkward Christian side hugs or Bible-distanced high fives for six months, after all. By junior year, all the eligible ladies are going to be snatched up. Act fast.

  1.     If you have no significant other, attract her.

Taylor ladies have simple desires. Attend chapel. Play a guitar (preferably in a chapel band). Have a major like business where you’ll make good money (and if not, you better be going into ministry). Ask her if she wants to “do life together.” Get her coffee from the Bean. Buy her Chick-fil-A with your extra meal swipes.

  1.     Get creative.

Be clever. A good line is always, “I feel more shalom as soon as you walk in the room,” followed closely by, “I’m always flourishing when I’m with you.” Invite her to a DTR, even if you’ve never met before. Those three letters make a girl lose her mind.

  1.     Be bold.

Who are we kidding? By April, walk up to any girl in the DC and take a knee. Offer her an onion ring and she’ll say yes. Her reputation is at stake, after all, and so is yours. You need each other.

Remember, Taylor students: you’re not really here for an education. You’re here to find your soulmate. And if you don’t find him or her here, you’ll never find that person anywhere. The only eligible bachelors and bachelorettes in the world are on Taylor’s campus. Use your time wisely.

NOTE: This is satire. Get married, stay single, get married twenty years from now, get married to Jesus, take over the world, we really don’t care. Just try not to take up EVERY booth in the DC making oogly eyes at each other while saying grace over your tater tots. We all know why you’re really holding hands.

 

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