Anti-Valentine's Day films

Films for failures

A movie guide to Valentine’s Day bitterness

"Titanic" has everything bitter singles crave—failed love and icebergs.

“Titanic” has everything bitter singles crave—failed love and icebergs.

By Austin Lindner | Echo

As Valentine’s Day slinks around the corner, waiting to pounce and devour us along with our chocolate hearts, maybe you’re not feeling the holiday spirit as much as society says you should.

Perhaps as a single, you’re having difficulty sidestepping the couples making out on the dormitory floor, or you just can’t seem to find the right stick to poke them with until they move out of the way.

Every lonely single has silently groaned at this time of year, as classic romantic comedies pop up on every TV screen across campus, with their impossibly happy endings and unrealistically perfect characters.

That being said, everyone deserves something to watch on Valentine’s Day, even the bitter singles. If butterfly kisses and long-term commitment aren’t your style, here are a few perfect “Anti-Valentine’s Day” movies to watch instead of throwing broccoli at couples walking the Loop.

Titanic: Because all love is a sinking ship.

Some call it a masterpiece, others say it’s an overrated CGI-saturated soap opera. Whatever the case, “Titanic” is one of the seminal films of our generation, as well as one of the best movies to watch on Valentine’s Day as an angry single. Not only do you get to see Leonardo DiCaprio not win an Oscar, but the film depicts probably the most accurate analogy for dating in our modern age—a deadly iceberg waiting to crush you.

While there is a lot of unfortunate hugging, kissing and “feelings” before people start plummeting into the ocean, “Titanic” reminds the audience that every relationship is really just a slowly sinking ship, and there’s only room on the debris for one. So gently shove your potential loved ones into the frozen water while you still can.

Fatal Attraction: Everyone is crazy and romance will kill you.

A thriller with a hint of horror, “Fatal Attraction” is a romantic comedy turned sour. Beginning with a run-of-the-mill one-night stand, “Attraction” slowly escalates to stabbing in a bathroom, dead rabbits and screaming, much like every relationship.

On top of that, it’s actually a well-made movie, garnering six Academy Award nominations and featuring chilling performances from Glenn Close and Michael Douglas. But more importantly, the film teaches us that the cute, quirky guy or girl you bumped into at the coffee shop might actually be a crazed psychopath. You’re not still single because you’re an unpleasant pessimist—it’s just a matter of survival.

Contagion: Don’t let anyone kiss you.

       You know what’s romantic? Long walks on the beach, holding hands and carving your initials into an oak tree. You know what isn’t romantic? Incurable, painful infections slowly spreading around the globe.

Luckily that’s the premise of this film, directed by Steven Soderbergh. When a woman collapses into a diseased death after returning from a trip abroad, the isolated incident quickly becomes a global epidemic told through overlapping storylines and an extensive cast of characters.

Beyond the captivating story and suspenseful pacing, the film provides bitter singles with the wonderful lesson that every potential lover is actually a germ-riddled meat slab. Only solitude can save you from the contagion of love.

Gone Girl: Behind every happy couple is murder and sociopathy.

While its title makes it sound like a Lifetime movie in which Jennifer Lopez leaves for an exciting new job in the Big Apple, in reality “Gone Girl” is neither romantic nor terrible. Starring Ben Affleck and Rosamund Pike in an Oscar-nominated performance, “Gone Girl” is a mystery thriller about a man accused of murdering his wife.

After a series of gut-wrenching twists, it becomes clear that Pike’s character may not be the innocent victim she appears to be. With creative storytelling “Gone Girl” proves that behind every happy, smiling couple is a crazy woman smashing a hammer into her face and a man who dreams about killing her.

Rosemary’s Baby: Your baby is the devil.

With all of this love and chocolate in the air, settling down and having a few kids with a significant other may seem like an exciting thing to do.

It won’t after watching this film.

In “Rosemary’s Baby,” director Roman Polanski creates a captivating piece of cinematic storytelling that confirms any rational woman’s fear that she might be giving birth to the Antichrist.

Starring Mia Farrow in this classic role, “Baby” follows the Woodhouses, a young married couple, as they move to a new apartment where they meet a suspicious group of new neighbors and friends. After Rosemary Woodhouse becomes pregnant, a series of sinister events occur around her, and she begins to suspect that her pregnancy might have darker implications.

Sure, the pacing is brilliant and the themes of society’s pressures and restrictions on women are thought-provoking, but the main takeaway from this film should be that every marriage is just an Antichrist birth waiting to happen.

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